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[17 Jul 2013|07:34pm]
i miss you. i'm sorry.
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[28 Jan 2011|12:23am]
i'm feeling a strong urge to write. i don't think i have much to say at the moment but i bet once i get started i won't be able to stop.

i'm looking at haircuts right now. i want to get my hair cut tomorrow. i'll probably be shaving about half of my head.

i can't even slow myself down enough to make a real entry. i don't know what i want to say so i do something else. that's not good enough, i do something else. that's not enough, i try to write this entry. can't think. check facebook. check steve. check paige. check ali scarpula. get a little envious. wikipedia. be here now. i miss the old me. want to read more. can't retain information. can't relay information. i forget it all. what did i do before? took pictures? everything's boring now. seen it all. scene it all. wrote something.

i want to "put myself out there" but really, what am i trying to put out?
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[26 Jan 2011|04:56pm]
just for my own records. idk, i feel like i need to write this down.

so i'm behind on rent at my dad's house. thankfully he's being at least a little forgiving about the situation, which i really appreciate. anyway, i'm paying 2 months of rent in one month (have to do the same thing next month too).

so i have $733.49 saved up towards rent due feb. 1st.
for 2 months of rent it's $560
i've been giving my mom $35 a week to pay for my cell phone bill and car insurance and that comes out to $140 a month.
so in total i'm paying $700 this month on being responsible.
i have about $100 left to spend on whatever. but this is not including all the stuff i've been spending money on anyway during the month (food, gas, bar, movies, art supplies, i even bought clothes!!).

:D :D :D: :D

i'm doin' a-ok
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[24 Jan 2011|11:06pm]
i wish steve were in bed with me right now. lately we've been talking a lot about moving in together. i don't know when it'll happen but i know it won't be as soon as we'd like it to be. you know, money, we have none. both of our cars are in disrepair, lucky for him though he's got a full-time job now and i believe he has about $3000 saved in the bank to get a new car. me? not so much. i have to pay 4 months of rent in 2 months to my dad. cool beans. i'll be able to do it but that leaves very little room to put any money aside for a new car. i don't know what i'm going to do when i go back to school. i can't afford to work any less hours. but anyway, we'll get a place when the time is right. i'd rather wait and strengthen our relationship as best we can before we're around each other ALL THE TIME. we might kill each other. better not to rush things.

i had a good feelings about 2011 but i'm not so sure anymore. the first week, week and a half, was decent but since then i've been very depressed. I WANT FRIENDS but i don't want to talk to anyone, ever. WHAT? i'm so confused by myself. i don't know what i want or why i want the things i want. i don't know who i am at all anymore. i never did, but now i really have no clue. i've picked up and dropped so many different characteristics that's it all nonsense. all i am right now is an odd girl with no self-esteem or anything to talk about besides my low self-esteem. why on earth does steve love me? steve and corey are my only friends at the moment. i never hang out with corey except when steve is around and usually we just hit the bar or drive around and smoke bowls and corey does most of the talking anyway. and as soon as he's done talking we call it a night because neither steve or i have anything to contribute. most fucking boring people in the world. even if i did have a life i wouldn't bother to talk about it. i could go to a party but i couldn't tell anyone about it. i can't remember what happens or i just don't care enough about whatever took place to actually discuss it. i just don't care to talk i guess. i can make jokes, that i can do, but that's it. that's all.

experience tells me i have laughable ideas, my opinions and feelings aren't valid because they aren't the same as yours, i'm clearly not smart enough to understand complex notions. maybe i'm not and i should just accept that i am not a very bright person. i know a lot about a lot of subjects but maybe that doesn't cut it. who i think i am and who i am does not equal out.
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[05 Jan 2011|10:13pm]
I thought today would be unproductive. I've been sick since Saturday. Only with a cough but it's been a wicked one. Steve, Corey and I got sick out east over the weekend. Corey had a fever all Saturday, Steve got a fever Sunday and I think is finally getting over it but who can tell with his hypochondriac tendencies. I woke up mid coughing fit just before noon, stayed in bed till I finally decided to visit Corey at work around 5. We talked about his Travis situation while he was on his break then I went across the street to Gino's and got a chicken bacon ranch slice. Heaven on baked dough. Went to Utopia, got more hair dye. Went to Michael's to get supplies. I was so excited to get a larger watercolor pencils set. Prismacolor was on sale 40% off. SCORE! right? Yeah until I got home, opened the packaging and realized they weren't watercolor pencils, just colored pencils. LAME. I did get some brushes for a decent price, a storage box and watercolor paints. I then tried to go to Target to get some soup and tea. People were standing outside waiting to get in because apparently there was a possible gas leak. The store had been evacuated. I guess after the gas leak in Mastic that had a lot of the town evacuated they're taking that stuff seriously. Now I'm just watching "Undeclared." I forgot how great that show was. All the shows I like get canceled.
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[10 Dec 2010|05:03pm]
It's such bullshit that it's dark at 5pm nowadays. I feel like it's 10pm and I lost 5 hours of my day. FUCK THAT.
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[06 Dec 2010|04:05pm]
So livejournal. It's been a while. I'm cheating on you with tumblr but I haven't seen the bitch in weeks.

So some things are different. Steve and I are back together (lol). I'm not friends with Sam anymore (bitch). I live with my dad now. It's nice. The cats got used to it pretty quickly. I feel like I can breathe for once and though I haven't exactly done much to better my life yet I do feel like I'm the right track. Being able to relax makes me feel like I can focus on what I need to do. My dream... to open up a bakery/cafe on the west coast. Yeah man. Frisco Frisco. Reading too much Kerouac. Actually I didn't even finish "On the Road" because it got boring towards the end. Right now I'm reading "The Rules of Attraction" by Bret Easton Ellis. I've owned that book for YEARS. I must have started reading it as some point because there's a paragraph circled in pen. Back to work though. So I've applied for full time at Stop & Shop and I plan on going back to school for Culinary Arts. Baking, more specifically. And then I'll see from there. Hmmm. What else is new? ... OH! I'm thinking of trying out for the Long Island Roller Rebels (the LI female roller derby team). I've decided I'm not giving up. I don't even have skates yet. When Christmas is through and I have money again I plan on picking up a pair. I took Steve to the League Championship Bout on Satuday night. IT WAS AMAZING. I made friends with a girl on the line to the bathroom, go figure. After the match we went with her and her friends to a bar down the road, Kodiaks. We played some pool, Steve ordered a Trashcan and it wasn't very good. They totally fucked it up. The Roller Rebels were there and I was starstruck. I Am Not Worthy. At some point we all decided to go to the diner. Steve was sick the whole time, green, and passing out in his seat.

God it's freezing in this house. I can barely type. I thought at the very least in moving to this house I'd have heat. When the fuck did the Leone's get a pool? It's been a while.
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[28 Jun 2010|05:37pm]
Steve and I broke up again. This time for good I guess. We're going to be friends, or something. Yeah right.

"I just need you to be able to tell people I was here, I felt, I lived and I loved as much as I could, while I could. And that the person that I loved, was you."
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[28 Jun 2010|05:32pm]
And just as we built them, we took the buildings down, brick by brick. We took the steel and the gold and the silver and the oil and put them back beneath the skin of the earth where they belonged. We turned the roads back to rocks and grass and flowers. We told the animals "We're sorry." We took our clothes off and felt the wind on our skin and you and I, we were not ashamed.

Then we turned around, and walked back into the sea.

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[06 Jun 2010|01:35pm]
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remembering ophelia [27 Apr 2010|09:21pm]
‘It’s not polite to leave the world without saying goodbye!’
That’s what they told her on the Other Side, and sent her back.
Now she’s a florist in Kensington. She knows the world
a little better this time round, is almost ready to say hello.
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[15 Feb 2010|10:55pm]
Just where was she trying to go back to? Prague?
    She had even forgotten it existed.
    To the small town in the west of Europe?
    No. She simply wanted to get away.
    Does that mean she wished to die?
No, no, not at all. On the contrary, she has a terrific desire to live.

    The she must have has some idea about the world she wanted to live in!
    She had none. All she had left was the tremendous craving for life, and her body. Nothing but these two things, nothing more. She wanted to tear them away from the island and save them. Her body and that craving for life.

from The Book of Laughter and Forgetting by Milan Kundera
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just incase you don't have it yet [16 Jan 2010|12:30pm]

animal collective - "fall be kind ep"

good stuff
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[15 Jan 2010|10:27pm]
steve got a job doing janitorial work as a sub at deer park schools. so between that and working at waldbaums he works every day, or should i say every night. he works at waldbaums till 9 and he's at the schools till midnight though when he works at the middle school they usually let him out early because i guess they're chill enough there. so there's that and with my sleeping my life away we haven't been seeing each other very much recently. it's terrible. i'm so desperate for a hug from him right now. i was at borders wednesday night when he got out of work (waldbaums) and he surprised me by showing up there. we stood in the self-help section and just clung to each other. you'd think it had been years since we'd last seen one another when in truth it was only two days.

my mom got into a car accident on the 3rd. she hit a patch of black ice and lost control of her car. she hit a telephone pole and took it down. they had to use the jaws of life to get her out of the car. my brother texted me at work and told me they were taking her to the hospital and i should get there as soon as possible. i left work around 5 and luckily i work just down the road from the hospital so i was there in no time. she was fine. they thought she might have broken a collar bone but she just had a bump on her head which went away in a few days. my grandfather was able to give my mom money for a brand new car (moneybags). she got a 2009 mazda 6 in ruby red. it's a damn fine car. i'm jealous. beyond jealous. but she deserves it for everything she's gone through, ever. we picked it up tuesday and i was able to drive it for the first time tonight. it was quiet. so quiet. what i would give for a quiet car! oh god, please grant me with a quiet car! the muffler on my car is going again and is utterly deafening. steve accidently ripped the passenger side door panel off, it's impossible to start. IMPOSSIBLE. there's some sort of ritual to start it. though i guess it's better than last year when i actually had to get out of the car, push it back just a bit and THEN, and only then, would it actually start. blah blah blah cars, boo.

after we picked up the car i went to utopia and get a new tapestry to put in my window because one of the ones i have now lets in too much light in the morning. but it looked terrible in the window so i'm using it as a bedspread. i also picked up a deck of tarot cards and i've been researching that and it's all pretty interesting. i've done a few readings for myself and one for sam and it's crazy how accurate they've been. though i guess it all depends on how you interpret things.

well connor's home so he's kicking me off the computer. peez out.
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[21 Dec 2009|06:29pm]
'To lie, to evade tragedy. I cannot be myself without causing tragedy. But tragedy is living. Huck said last night, "I have never lived so intensely, never." Laughing, crying; ecstasy, delirium, peace, exhaustion, passion, pain, joy, peace, illuminations, pain, human life.' -- Fire from "A Journal of Love" by Anais Nin

I'm in love with this women.
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[13 Dec 2009|09:16pm]
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[30 Nov 2009|08:23pm]
"This is the one." The universe assures me from behind the counter.

"But I thought you said the last one was the one." I reply.

"No." Says the universe. "I sold you that one so you would know that this, this is the one."

"Is there another one?" I ask the universe.

"I can't tell you." They reply. "It'd ruin the surprise."

via i wrote this for you
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[29 Nov 2009|09:51am]
someone tell me to shut the fuck up, ok?
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bitch bitch bitch [28 Nov 2009|02:42pm]
thanksgiving wasn't too bad. i worked 8-12 and pretty much got paid $105 to sit under the table at work and read a book steve lent me. it's called "how the light gets it" and i'm really enjoying it even though i'm only about 90 pages in. the main character, louise/lou, is like a female holden caulfeild (oh, my first love) and is someone i relate to in so many ways, down to her tiniest quirks, that it's scary. we left just after 1pm to go to steve's aunt and uncle's house in brooklyn. we picked up his sister, cristy, on the way and spent a few minutes at her house playing with her dogs, linus and luna, who are the cutest little dogs on the entire planet. we met the rest of steve's family at this irish restaurant called kennedy's in breezy point, queens. it was in a closed community with all these tiny little sea-side bungalows which steve hated (no property) but i loved the quaintness. "you could stick your head out the window and kiss your neighbor" - aunt terry. they had a thanksgiving menu but pretty much everyone got either the turkey or salmon dinner. we got about 3 carafes of wine, and i drank too much and couldn't really pay attention to anything so i just kept giggling and shoveling the food into my mouth hoping no one would notice that i was drunk. the food was excellent except the cranberry sauce was WAY too sweet and the turnips... i don't know what to say about the turnips. they have such an unusual taste that it was good and disgusting at the same time. pretty color at least.

afterwards we went back to his aunt and uncle's house and sat around flipping through tv channels and playing with steve's cousin bobby's daughter, raven, who is the cutest baby i have ever, ever seen in my entire life. steve's sister made a pumpkin cheesecake for dessert which was DELICIOUS and after bobby, his wife, rochelle and raven left cristy took steve's dad and aunt terry upstairs to the computer to show them the new apartment she and her boyfriend, christian, are looking to move into. me and steve just chilled downstairs watching "the godfather" because i've never seen it (shame on me, i suppose). i kept nodding in and out of sleep and around 10ish we left to get back to the island. i completely fell asleep on steve's lap in the back seat and it was such a nice ride.

i felt a little out of place, i was my usual quite self, which is totally ok but i still wish i talked a little bit more. i just hate when they ask me questions like what have i been doing with myself because all i do is work, and all i do is work at a deli in stop n shop. it makes me feel like the most uninteresting person on the face of the earth. send me off to mars, please. i can be my own weirdo there. i don't even have any decent anecdotes to tell them that don't involve heavy drinking or illicit substances. goddamn. somehow it came up that the next day was my mom's birthday and i hate talking about my family. steve's family is so traditional and my family is, well, so not. aunt terry asked if we were doing anything special and i tried to say no without saying no and it just came out as a few half sentences and me looking down at the table. she said something along the lines of it being good that i had a good relationship with my mom and in the mix of wanting to laugh and burst into tears at the same time i let out the tiniest chuckle (so as to seem, uh, happy?) and said "yeah, right? i know," and looked down at the table.
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Gregory Corso from Variations on a Generation (1959) [20 Nov 2009|07:16pm]
-What do you think about the Beat Generation?
-I don't think it's anything. I don't think it exists. There's no such thing as the Beat Generation.
-You don't consider yourself beat?
-Hell no! I don't consider myself beat, or beatified.
-What are you if not beat?
-An individual, nothing.
-They say to be beat is to be nothing.
-I don't care what they say, there's no Beat Generation.
-Don't you care about the existence of the beat?
-Hell no! man!
-Don't you love your fellow men?
-No I don't love my fellow man in fact I dislike them very much, except the individual if I get to know him; I don't want to govern or be governed.
-But you are governed by laws of society.
-But I'm trying to avoid that.
-Ah, by avoiding society you become separate from society and being separate from society is being BEAT.
-Oh, yeah?
-I don't understand. I don't want to be in the society at all, I want to be outside it.
-Face it, man, you're beat.
-I am not! It's not even a conscious desire on my part, it's just the way I am, I am what I am.
-Man, you're so beat you don't know.
-Oh, yeah?
-Crazy, man.
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